Guilt

Guilt, guilt, guilt. Did I mention guilt. You know the heavy, oppressive, taking a breath requires effort, guilt. The kind of guilt that weighs you down like wearing a hundred pounds of wet clothes. Guilt in the morning, guilt in the afternoon, guilt in the evening and especially guilt when you lay down to go to sleep at night. ...Black... dark... guilt. The kind of guilt that comes from doing something wrong or as in my case of not doing something right that you should have done. Some of you probably can relate to what I am talking about and some of you fortunately have no idea of what I am talking about.

Guilt is what I have been feeling for the last 3 weeks since my oldest son Trey injured his left knee on a water slide at the Arenal Volcano. You see, I had sensed that the water was too shallow for him to go down that particular water slide. That slide was for smaller or lighter weight kids like my 5 and 8 year old boys. But he went down the slide and everything was OK so I did not say anything. That I should warn him was not at the front of my mind but like a little whisper in the back of my mind and I ignored it. Later, as teenagers are apt to do, Trey did something different and went down on his stomach, feet first. He knifed through the water and landed with his weight on his left knee tearing the medial meniscus (cartilage).

As the man of the family I have a God given responsibility to be the leader and protector of my family. But, ... I did not protect Trey. I did not speak up and because of that he has been limping for three weeks and probably will need surgery over our Christmas break back home in South Carolina. Because of my guilt, living with me has caused Dawn a fair amount of anguish. I know that God has forgiven me because I asked Him to and He is faithful to forgive our sins when we ask Him to. Trey has forgiven me and really he did not hold me responsible but said it really was his fault. The reason I feel guilty is that I have not been able to forgive myself for my lack of action.

I thank God for a godly wife who can set me straight. Dawn reminded me that God is sovereign and nothing will happen outside of His will. That is not to say that God caused Trey's injury but He allowed it. Who knows what other injuries were prevented by this injury. I thank God Trey did not go down the slide head first and break his neck. Trey may also have had a worse injury by going scuba diving this weekend which he now cannot do. We are thankful that none of the kids have been hit by a car and hopefully/prayerfully will not be. We also have been praying as a family for Trey and learning to trust the Lord for Trey's protection. It is a sin for me not to forgive myself but it is still a hard thing for me to do. With Dawn's help I have managed to forgive ME and my guilt is vanishing poco a poco or little by little. It really is just a matter of making a decision to trust God!

To God be the glory!!!